Battle of the Sexes! Man vs Woman, Mars vs Venus

A couple was told to individually write a sentence using the 
words 'sex' and 'love.' The woman wrote 'When two people love 
each other very much, like Bob and I, it is morally acceptable 
for them to engage in sex.' And Bob wrote 'I love sex.'

A little bit of powder, a little bit of paint, makes a girl's 
complexion seem what it ain't.

A man generally has two reasons for doing a thing. One that 
sounds good, and a real one.

A man is like a fine wine. He starts out raw as grapes and 
it's a woman's job to stomp on him and keep him in the dark 
until he matures into something she'd like to have dinner with.

A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart but 
he's not very bright.

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs, a woman will pay $1 
for a $2 item she doesn't.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better 
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of 
that study: Duh. - Conan O'Brien

A woman is like a teabag - only in hot water do you realise 
how strong she is.

A woman who strives to be equal to a man lacks ambition.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. 

A woman's place is in the House... or the Senate.

Adam was a rough draft.

After a few weeks of Adam being by himself in the garden of 
Eden, he got lonely. So he went to God and asked for a 
companion. God said he would look into it and get back to 
him the next day. So the next day God went to Adam and said 
'Here Adam, I can make a beutifull woman that cooks, irons, 
cleans, never complains and is pretty much just what you 
want, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg, what do you 
think' Adam thought for a few seconds and then asked 'what 
can I get for a rib?'...... 'David Moir' 

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "I was a fool 
when I married you." she replied "yes dear, but I was in 
love and didn't notice."

All men are idiots... I think I married their king.

Always remember that if she does not make your standards... 
lower your standards!

An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. 
The older she gets the more interested in her he is.

An English professor wrote on the blackboard: Punctuate 
this sentence: 'Woman without her man is nothing'. The men 
wrote: 'Woman, without her man, is nothing.' All the women 
wrote: 'Woman! Without her, man is nothing.'

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no 
point in two people remembering the same thing...

Before you meet your prince you have to kiss a lot of toads.

Behind every good man is a woman... kicking his butt. 

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. 

Boys are great, every girl should own one.


By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. 
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher... and 
that is a good thing for any man. - Socrates

By the time you swear you're his, Shivering and sighing, 
And he vows his passion is Infinite, undying - Lady make 
note of this: One of you is lying. - Dorothy Parker 
'Unfortunate Coincidence'

Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large 
and wise as a man's head.

Coffee, chocolate and men, some things are just better rich.

For sale: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. 
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. 
(Got married last weekend, wife knows everything).

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.

Don't bother getting married - just find a woman you hate 
and buy her a house.

First, God created man. Then he had a better idea.

For every girl with a curve there are several men with angles.

Girls are called birds because of the worms they pick up!

Girls will be girls, boys will be toys.

Give a man a beer, he'll waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, 
he'll waste a lifetime.

God created man fist, because everyone knows a rough draft 
comes before a masterpiece!

God made mud, god made dirt, god made boys so girls could flirt!

God saw that Adam was lonely, and said to him, 'I will create 
you a partner. One who will do everything you say and hang on 
your ever word. But it will cost you an arm and a leg.' Adam 
gave it some thought, and asked 'What can i get for a rib?' 
And then, God created woman.

Grow your own Dope. Plant a man.

Here's to the men that we love, and here's to the men that love 
us, But the men that we love, Aren't the men that love us, So 
to hell with the men. Here's to us!

How do you know that a man has done something wrong? For once 
he does everything right. - Stephanie Di Cioccio

I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures.

I have always wondered why men never or seldom help women work 
in the kitchen, but when it comes to cooking with a barbecue 
outdoors, men quickly grab the opportunity. Then it hit 
me - Men are less evolved.

I haven't found Mr Right, but I have found Mr Cheap, 
Mr Sleazy and Mr Wrong.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like 
to interrupt her.

I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always!

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets 
at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a 
dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all 
afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. 

I once stole a car from a man who stole my wife, but the car 
don't run. I guess that makes us even.

I said to my wife, "You know, if I had brains I'd be dangerous." 
She said, "If you had brains you'd be a woman."

I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better.

I want a sensitive man - one who'll cry when I hit him.

If a man says something in the middle of a forest and there 
isn't a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a man tells a woman she's beautiful she'll overlook most 
of his other lies.

If all men are idiots, not only did I marry their King, I 
gave birth to their Crown Prince!

If they can send a man to the moon, why can't they send all of 'em?

If you take a dog in and feed it, it will remain loyal to you 
and never turn on you. this is the principle difference 
between a man and a dog. - Mark Twain

It begins when you sink into his arms and ends with your 
arms in the sink.

It's funny...all over the world women stop working in the 
middle of a field, lay down to give birth, and get right 
back to work. But give a man a cold and suddenly he's 2 years 
old and can't blow his own nose.

Little girls grow to become young women. Little boys have 
a job for life!

Make love, not war - hell, do both, get married!

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished...

Marriage is much like communism, it works best in theory.

Men - Can't live with them and if you tie them to your bumper 
and drive at high speeds the authorities tend to frown

Men are like blenders. You need one, but you don't know why.

Men are like buses - they have a spare tire and smell funny.

Men are like chocolate bars - soft, smooth, and they always 
go to your hips.

Men are like Conputers -- they're easy to turn on, but once 
everything's loaded up, they're hard to work and stubbornly 
refuse to do what you command.

Men have dogs because they want a best friend dumber than 
they are. Women want that too, but they already have men. 

Men have feelings too (but who really cares)

Men! They sweep you off your feet then try to hand you the broom!

Mens are like Roses, Watch Out For The Pricks

My husband says he will leave me if i dont stop shopping... 
God i will miss that man.

My Mother-In-Law keeps asking why we haven't had children. 
I figure having a husband AND a child would be redundant.


My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

My wife suggested a book for me to read to enhance our 
relationship. It's titled: 'Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong.'

My wife told me I should be more affectionate, 
so I got two girlfriends.

Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't 
there the first time you need him, chances are you won't 
be needing him again.

Never appeal to a man's 'better nature.' He may not have 
one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. 

Never chase after a man or a train - another one will 
always come along.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too 
much fraternizing with the enemy. - Henry Kissinger

Notice to Thieves: This car is like my husband - not worth stealing.

P.M.S. Putting up with mens shit!

Remember, Ginger Rodgers did everything Fred Astaire did, 
but she did it backwards, and in high heels.

So many men, so few who can afford me...

Some say a computer is a woman, if you do something wrong, 
they'll remember every bit of it. Some say a computer is a 
man, if you had just waited one more week, you could have 
gotten a better model for less.

Sometimes I think that if there were a third sex, men 
wouldn't get so much as a glance from me.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. 
Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. 

Star light, star bright, where the freak is Mr. right?

Sure, a woman can fake an orgasm, but it takes a man to fake 
a whole relationship.

Tell a man there are a billion stars in the sky and he will 
believe you. Tell him there is wet paint on the bench and he 
will have to touch it to be sure.

The average woman prefers beauty over brains because the 
average man can see better than he can think.

The difference between men and boys is the price of their toys

The difference between men and women is that women are complex 
and men are simple. It took me a while to figure this out. I 
kept asking my husband if he thought he could do this or that, 
to no avail. Then I figured out what the problem was: every 
sentence started with 'Do you think'!

The difference between women and men is that women love their 
children. They know everything about them, including birthdays, 
allergies, likes and dislikes. Men are vaguely aware of some 
short people living in the house. - Dave Barry

The female mind is a lot like the tax code. It's impossible to 
understand, and its only function seems to be taking from you.

The more I learn about guys, the more I wish I were gay.

The perfect man: smokes not, drinks not, flirts not, exists not.

The smartest thing a man can say starts with, 'My wife says...'


There are easier things in life than finding a good man... like 
nailing jello to a tree, for instance.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

What are five things that a woman can do that a man can't do? 
1. Have a baby. 2. Give milk. 3. Bleed without being cut. 
4. Speak without really saying anything. 5. Bury a bone without 
digging a hole.

What's the difference between you husband and your children? 
Your children grow-up and leave

When a woman works in a traditionally male field ...SHE must 
be twice as knowledgeable, twice as proficient, twice as 
accurate, and twice as humble as ANY MAN to be considered HALF 
as good at the job!

Why do blonds hate m&m's? Becouse there to hard to peel

Women and elephants never, ever forget.

Women do come with instructions. Just ask them.

Women think they are so clever at faking orgasms... but only 
a man can fake a whole relationship.

Women's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're 
going to have trouble with it!