MEN AND WOMEN ON BLOWJOBS

 

A woman's comments on blowjobs...

 

(1)  First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

(2)  Extension to rule #1:  So if you get one, be grateful.

(3)  I don't care what they did in the porno you saw, it is not 
     standard practice to cum on someone else's face.

(4)  Extension to rule #3:  No, I don't have to swallow.

(5)  My ears are not handles.

(6)  Extension to rule #5:  Do not push down on the top of my head.  
     Last I heard, Deep Throat has been done.  And do you really 
     want me to puke on your dick?

(7)  I don't care how relaxed you get, it is never OK to fart.

(8)  Being on my period does not mean that it's "Hummer Week" - get 
     it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit, so no, 
     I don't feel obligated to blow you just because you can't have 
     sex right now.

(9)  Extension to rule #8 - "Blue balls" might have worked on girls 
     in high school.  If you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave 
     me with my Midol.

(10)  If I have to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me 
      that I just "wrecked it" for you.

(11)  Leaving me in bed while you go and play video games immediately 
      afterwards is highly inadvisable if you want my behavior to be 
      repeated in the future.

(12)  If you like how we do it, it is best not to speculate on the 
      origins of our talent.  Just enjoy the moment and be happy that 
      we're good at it (refer to rule #2)

(13)  No, it doesn't particularly taste good.  And I don't care about 
      the protein content.

(14)  No, I will not do it while you watch TV.

(15)  If you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blowjobs 
      often enough, keep your mouth shut.  It is inappropriate to either 
      sympathize or brag.

(16)  Just because "it's awake" when you get up doesn't mean I have to 
      "kiss it good morning."

 

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for...  the male rebuttal.

 

(1)  Yes, you are obligated to do it.  If you don't, we will find someone 
     (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will do it.

(2)  Second, swallowing a teaspoon of dead cream is a hell of a lot easier 
     than licking a dead fish.

(3)  You want to talk about farting?  Does the term "queef" mean anything to you?

(4)  I will use your ears as I see fit.  Don't worry about it and be glad I'm 
     not pulling your hair.

(5)  When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only 
     way to stop your moaning and bitching.  Suck it up.

(6)  Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need 
     all the fluids you can get.  Trust me.

(7)  You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I say that we get the shit 
     end of the stick in flavor country.

(8)  At least there is no danger of a dick spontaneously starting to bleed in 
     your mouth.

(9)  Play with the balls.

(10)  No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

(11)  Caress the ass, too.  We like that.

(12)  Make hay when the sun shines.  It may be "wide awake" in the morning 
      now, but when you get fat, old, and are looking for some action, I 
      guarantee you that it'll be "sound asleep."

(13)  If you swallow, you won't have to worry about getting any on your face, 
      now will you?